Can an HR manager enter into heaven?

“Jesus will see you directly,” the receptionist told me.

 

I was led down a corridor to a waiting room.

 

It was the darnedest thing. I couldn't remember with any clarity how I got here. I figured Jesus was Puerto Rican. That was nice, that they let Puerto Ricans have positions of power at the company.

 

I sat, looked in my lap, and noticed I was carrying my resume and portfolio. What was I doing here? There was something about a falling elevator.

 

Jesus popped out, wearing a blue suit, red tie, hair in a pony. “Come on in, Mike. I've been waiting for you!”

 

His office was small, but well-ordered.

 

“The thing is, Mike,” he said, seating himself, “we want to make a place for you at the firm, but we want to be sure it's a good fit.”

 

Jesus scanned my records with reading glasses perched on his nose.

 

“You say you were skilled at using trick question in interviews, as a way to shorten your list of candidates.”

 

“Right,” I answered. “The entire point is to shorten the list so we don't interview anyone who is inappropriate. So we ask questions that candidates should think carefully about before answering.”

 

“Like what?” Jesus asked, putting the tip of his pencil between his teeth.

 

Here's one: “What was the last book you read?”

 

Jesus: “And?”

 

Me: “And if it's not a book about careers or business, we drop 'em.”

 

Jesus: "And your favorite book?"

 

I wagged my finger at Jesus and laughed. "Oh, no you don't!"

 

Jesus: “I see. Tell me, what was the position on healthcare?”

 

Me: “The last thing we wanted to do was pay unnecessary benefits. So whenever possible we described a position as temporary, or contract.”

 

Jesus: “Smart. What about people who were different? Who had an unusual way about them, or had special problems?”

 

Me: “Well, we made sure we were in compliance with the law. But remember, we were looking for people who would fit in well, and not make waves.” I knew I was wowing him.

 

Jesus: “What about gaps? Sometimes people, through no fault of their own, have periods of unemployment.”

 

Me: “Well, that's a problem. We're looking for people who have been retained. To be laid off, or to take an extended vacation, that's a signal to us that there's something wrong with you.”

 

Jesus: “Just so.” He scribbled in his notebook for a moment, then looked up at me and smiled. “I think we're don here,” he said encouragingly.

 

Me: “I hope I was able to answer all your questions. I want to underscore that I am a team player. I think of myself as a kind of friendly capo to the people I bring in. You know, keep 'em on the right track, between the lines of the orgchart”

 

Jesus clapped me on the back. “Mike, it's people like you who make the world function as it does.”

 

That made me feel good. “So you'll call me?”

 

“Certainly,” said Jesus. “And I want you to know, even if you do not win this position, we will keep your resume on file for one year.”

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